And Then There Was One

And Then There Was One
“If you wanna crown’em, then crown their ass.” – Dennis Green
Raise your hand if you’ve suffered a loss this season. Any of you interested in forming a 14 team league? By late Sunday night everyone put on their Marksmen jerseys and cheered as Antonio Brown posted the season’s highest WR point total at 31 as the Marksmen raced back against Everybody Salsa. Monday night Peyton Manning jogged out onto the field and dissected our hopes like a surgeon. The three other undefeated teams were all sacked. Pacific Mighty “O” was taken down by The Jalopy Faces (his nephew?)…Queen Bees were out-stung by Kibbles n Vick (her brother??)…and Linemen Shuffles were broke badly by The Heisenbergs (his SISTER-IN-LAW?!?). Team Shirritt continued in stealth mode and handily bumped their record to 2-1 while Tucson Dusty Dogs, the league’s second highest scoring team so far this season, finally posted their first victory. The week’s Banana Bowl had the Pale Horses drop 100pts on the Mad Bombers for their first win of the season. For anyone who watched in confusion throughout the week as The Hank Schraders front office wheeled and dealed and fine-tuned their starters proceed with the slow clap now – they would have defeated nine teams in the league if only they weren’t on their bye week.
And the awards go to…
Syrup of Ipecac: Retained by Everybody Salsa for blah blah blah
Hello Kitty Sticker: The Heisenbergs – the league salutes you on handing Linemen Shuffles their first lost, especially since they put up such a fight
10th Man Award: Everybody Salsa – does it concern anyone that they left 20pts on their bench with Josh Gordon? The league will be performing an official review under the suspicion that this organization is simply out to collect awards, good or bad

Damn Lies
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli
• Only one team has posted triple digits each week this season – yes, THAT team
• Jimmy Graham, TE for The Jalopy Faces, became the first player to make his second All-Fed Team
• Runner up on the 10th Man Award – Pacific Mighty “O”…they wouldn’t have won if they started Sidney Rice (19pts) over Marlon Brown (goose egg), but let’s just say they wouldn’t have lost either

Next Week
“There cannot be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.” – Henry Kissinger
The Javelinas step up for their shot at taking down Everybody Salsa – everyone loves a 30pt underdog. Double upset alert as two 0-3 teams square off against 2-1 teams. Will the Gunslingers get their first week’s Top 10 scorer? Will the Dusty Dogs/Mighty “O” match-up be as close as the line? Does Kibbles n Vick get to play EVERYONE as they come off their bye week? Game to watch: the Pale Horses discover a beehive in the stable as the league’s second Hubby v. Wifey match-up begs the question – does DIII make the same mistake as DII in earning himself one week’s probation on the couch?

Sincerely – Management

The War Rages On

A Tale of Two Showdowns
“Sympathy? Not for me.” – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Slaughter or shootout – which did you experience this week? Let’s get the messy ones out of the way first. The Minneapolis Pale Horses were strategic geniuses picking up 3 TD Eddie Royal off waivers before leaving him and two 17pt WRs on the bench. Kibbles n Vick coming off a rough loss week 1 showed no mercy blasting out the week’s high score of 109 and it was off to the glue factory before lunch. The Gunslingers eyed taking down their second uncle in as many weeks but found Pacific Mighty “O” had pinned last week’s Family Battle Flag edition up in the locker room, started Michael Vick, and thumped their way to a 2-0 start. In one of the week’s two 0-2 battles, Team Shirritt, the league’s most vainglorious owner who makes his team wear jerseys with his name on it, scored early and often leaving Team Marksmen with a mark of 0-2. But then there were these games…

The Lineman Shuffles, with a bench that resembles the aftermath of Gettysburg, had a steady performance across the board and became one of the league’s only 2-0 teams…imagine if he’d started his top scorer. Everybody Salsa went back for seconds when The Jalopy Faces’ charge led by their TE(?) came up short. Sunday night was a sister fight that had both owners flipping between Breaking Bad and their teams as The Heisenbergs’ WR-TE combo were held off by The Hank Schraders’ kicker. Lastly, it was domestic violence in the desert with Lynch’s Sunday night performance driving the Dusty Dogs past the Javelinas only to be overcome on Monday night as the Dusty Dogs’ top scoring RB-led team couldn’t hold off the Javelinas’ top scoring QB-led team.
And the awards go to…
Syrup of Ipecac: Retained by Everybody Salsa for their week 1 performance
Hello Kitty Sticker: Team Shirritt for showing the fury of a 25pt underdog
10th Man Award: The Minneapolis Pale Horses – see his bench for a Royal laughing session

Damn Lies
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli
• The three blowouts of the week averaged a 40pt margin of victory while the four nail-biters had an average margin of victory of only 9.75pts
• Only two teams have had three players reach the Top 10 in scoring for a week…2-0 Everybody Salsa and 0-2 Tucson Dusty Dogs
• Only one player made a repeat appearance as a Top 10 scorer this week: The 106th overall pick in the draft – Michael Vick of Pacific Mighty “O”

Next Week
“The future will be better tomorrow.” – Dan Quayle
Starting with Thursday night’s Eagles/Chiefs game the league looks to The Jalopy Faces, Marksmen, and Heisenbergs to squash any 3-0 fantasies. Kibbles n Vick sets their eyes on another team coming off a bye in the week’s sibling battle with his sister’s Queen Bees. The Mad Bombers vs Pale Horses will leave one team still winless and we’ll look to see if week 3 brings us our first repeat member of the weekly All Federation Team.

Sincerely – Management

Manning Loves Salsa

So old school the papers claimed I was Elway

This Week in The Family
“I’m not bitter, why should I be bitter?” – Johnny Cash
Week 1…sheesh. Anyone who missed the NFL season opener on Thursday night woke to learn Everybody Salsa was already dancing their way to a week one victory. Exciting Sunday action locked up victories for some while Monday night had us watch as Team Marksmen just missed their mark against The Mighty “O” and the Javelinas unable to win the final duel with the Gunslingers. 100+ point scoring added up to victory for the Shuffles, Queen Bees, Heisenbergs, and Everybody Salsa though not so much for the Tucson Dusty Dogs. While the draft a few weeks ago may have left some of the league shaking their heads and others making room for the league championship trophy on their mantle it was this opening weekend that kicked off the all out familial warfare. Sure – it’s a little early to talk of the championship trophy but week 1 led to a couple being handed out.
Syrup of Ipecac: Everybody Salsa for scoring 151pts
Hello Kitty Sticker: The Heisenbergs for facing a terrifying 58pt challenge this week
10th Man Award: The Mighty “O” for leaving 25pts on the bench with Michael Vick

Damn Lies
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli
• Four of the top five scoring players were owned by just two teams (Everybody Salsa’s P. Manning and V. Cruz; Queen Bees’ C. Kaepernick and A. Peterson)
• Favored teams were 2-5 this week
• Five teams had their QB as their top scorer; for four teams it was one of their WRs

Next Week
“Yeah, yeah, yeah…well let’s just see who’s here last.” – Tyler Durden
This is totally your week – but here are some things to consider. The Pale Horses were kept in the stable week 1 on a bye but have to face Kibbles n Vick who have a major chip on their shoulder following their opening loss. Two match-ups pit 1-0 teams against each other assuring a loss while two other match-ups have 0-1 teams squaring off to assure two lucky teams their first win with two others dropping to 0-2. One such 0-1 vs. 0-1 is a duel in the desert when Tucson hosts the first Hubby v. Wifey clash between the Javelinas and Dusty Dogs.

Sincerely – Management