Four Turkeys Pardoned

Four Turkeys Pardoned
“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are going.” –Lao Tzu
While the playoff picture could have gone in many directions this week’s action in the Federation cinched things up with the four teams destined for the winner’s bracket being determined with still one week of play left. So even if this week was great for three and rough for the rest, let’s take a look at who is thankful for what.

Everybody Salsa is thankful for having such a dominant season up to their final regular season game that their loss didn’t prevent them from still making the playoffs…and for Peyton Manning. The Hank Schraders are thankful for being among the rare pair of teams to have defeated Everybody Salsa AND for beating her playoff-bound sister, The Heisenbergs (don’t’ think we forgot week 2). Team Shirritt is giving thanks for a dominant season after losing the first match-up and currently having the best record in the league at 9-2. MARYLAND MAD BOMBERS are thankful for a glorious week 10 and the cap locks button. The Heisenbergs are thankful for being the only surviving member of the Hatfield conference and for Gronkowski returning with authority. Gilead Gunslingers were in a giving mood – they gave Pacific Mighty “O”, Team Marksmen, and the Mad Bombers their season-high scoring weeks. They also gave Everybody Salsa a tie – ha!

Tucson Dusty Dogs are thankful the first four weeks of the season (1-3) were not indicative of the remainder of their season (7-0) and for nephews being good record padding (3-0). Speaking of nephews, Linemen Shuffles is thankful that after a few beers the Super Bowl Shuffle is still awesome to do when you’re a .500 team. Queen Bees are thankful there is an eight week gap between their week 8 double up on Team Marksmen (100pts to 50pts) and their Christmas week visit home. The Jalopy Faces are thankful for Jimmy Graham and a year of bragging rights over his brother and dad. TUCSON JAVELINAS are thankful for in-house bragging rights against playoff bound Dusty Dogs and for the cap locks joke already being spent on his brother. Kibbles n Vick are thankful their Keep Calm Banner can double as an elaborate koozie or an invisibility cloak when Everybody Salsa’s bragging gets unbearable. Team Marksmen are thankful for a strong finish (2-0) and that Minneapolis Pale Horses’ Christmas visit falls within the Federation sanctioned one month time frame for relentless gloating and smack talking after a victory. Minneapolis Pale Horses are thankful for defeating Queen Bees and that that team’s owner will probably be too busy putting up Christmas decorations to read this week’s blog. And last but not least, Pacific Mighty “O” is thankful for avenging his wife’s childhood by defeating BOTH of her brothers in back to back weeks.

And the awards go to…
The WRKM Axe: Looks like this hardware may have a sole owner this season
Syrup of Ipecac: We’re ALL thankful that on this week of heavy eating Everybody Salsa has the week off with this particular award
Hello Kitty Sticker: The Heisenbergs slap another on their helmet after using the Gunslingers to punch their playoff ticket
10th Man Award: Everybody Salsa playing, ironically, Victor Cruz at goose egg in the flex spot over Josh Gordon’s 29pts on the bench…couldn’t finish up the regular season without one more award on the wall huh?
Keep Calm Banner: No need for paint-friendly adhesives, Kibbles n Vick can lag bolt this baby to the wall

Damn Lies
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli
• Team Shirritt and Tucson Dusty Dogs are still undefeated against Hatfield opponents
• Tucson Dusty Dogs executed waiver wire brilliance with Tiquan Underwood whose 22pts topped their 20pts for the SEASON, and who also has the best flat top EVER in his player photo (seriously, check it out)
• Queen Bees have the second highest points per game this season at 91.3pts/game

Next Week
“You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I’m gonna punch you square in the face.” –Step Brothers (the movie)
Unless you’re a stickler for playoff seeds this weekend’s action is mostly pride-based. Enjoy your turkey and know that League Management is thankful for a great family and a great league that will hopefully maintain for years to come. If you are still hung up on a game to watch this weekend, it’s an easy pick: MARYLAND MAD BOMBERS versus TUCSON JAVELINAS in a brotherly battle that is drenched in nostalgia bringing us back to the knock-out, drag-out golden age of the late ‘50s/early ‘60s – no doubt, before this one is over someone is going through a wall.

Sincerely – Management

Hometown Beat Down

Hometown Beat Down
“First of all, there was no way to save everyone.” – World War Z
If you’re in the Hatfield conference how about you go downstairs and play while we have adult talk up here in the kitchen? Run along now.

Yeah, it was awful. Sure, two Hatfield teams posted scores of 98 (The Heisenbergs and The Hank Schraders) but even those who name teams together break bad together. Not a SINGLE Hatfield team won this week, and they all played at home. A quick body count, er, rundown.

Nowhere in the Arizona “Save You’re A$$ From Wildlife” Handbook does it say that the suggested method of escape from a javelina is to shuffle. Yet, Linemen Shuffles did just that and were taken out by Tucson Javelinas, proving that while it’s frowned upon to beat your own kid, it’s alright to beat your brother’s. A saying that apparently has no meaning to Tucson Dusty Dogs who reminded the Pale Horses that one game over .500 is plenty and knocked them back to 5-5. The Jalopy Faces fared better in the offspring category this week as they took down the Madbombers who made the mistake of leaving their biggest bomb back at the hangar with Bobby Rainey’s 34pts on their bench. The heavily favored Queen Bees were picked off one by one by the sharpshooting Gunslingers who nabbed their second win in three weeks. Declaring the “O” doesn’t mean Out of the playoffs, 1pt underdog Pacific Mighty “O” moved the needle just enough to defeat The Hank Schraders 99-98, a flashback to the Schraders’ 99-97 loss to Queen Bees in week 5. Team Shirritt survived a scary Monday night attack by Kibbles n Vick as the QB heroics of Cam Newton couldn’t quite bring in the W. The most impactful win of the week goes to Everybody Salsa who toppled Hatfield’s #1 team, The Heisenbergs, and clinched their spot in the winner’s bracket of the playoffs.
And the awards go to…
The WRKM Axe: Everybody Salsa should at least hang it in their front window for all of us to admire
Syrup of Ipecac: Ten weeks later and we still can’t quite get that taste out of our mouths
Hello Kitty Sticker: Tucson Javelinas for beating on a team who single-handedly is causing higher medical costs in the US
10th Man Award: The Mad Bombers picked up four players last week and started two of them…Bobby Rainey was NOT one of them
Keep Calm Banner: Kibbles n Vick will provide the beer if you come sit on his porch and listen to stories about how awesome things were back in week 2

Damn Lies
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli
• Everybody Salsa, Team Shirritt, and Tucson Dusty Dogs are a combined 10-0 since the start of cross-conference play
• Through 11 games Pacific Mighty “O”’s opponents have scored federation-high average of 92.3pts
• Team Marksmen would have beat 10 teams with their bye week score, a fate shared by Gilead Gunglingers in week 7 and Tucson Javelinas in week 9

Next Week
“Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags.” – Willie Mays Hays
For all of you who have been sweating over your slide-rules and abacussesiszzz (abici?), yes, this week was quite pivotal in terms of playoff impacts. There are only two weeks left in the regular season and while all teams make the playoffs, only the top four teams make the winner’s bracket. Everybody Salsa clinched one of those four spots this week with their win and Team Shirritt only needs one more victory to lock up their own spot in the top four. For everyone else over .500 you better get back to your slide-rules and flow charts to see what your route to the winner’s bracket looks like. But don’t get too distracted; as the saying goes, family is forever, and there are a bunch of disgruntled teams in this tree who would love nothing better than to derail your hopes of Federation League glory. Queen Bees, Pale Horses, and Linemen Shuffles are in must-win territory for the final two weeks. Game to watch: Queen Bees versus The Jalopy Faces in a battle of playoff chance survival.

Sincerely – Management

11-12-13

11-12-13
“So I looked, and behold, a pale horse. And the name of him who sat on it was Death, and Hades followed with him.” – Revelations 6:8
Sitting on 11/12/13 the league stares down the 11th, 12th, and 13th (and final) weeks of the season. To say the Grim Reaper is upon the league and taking names is an understatement – just ask Tucson Javelinas. After seeing a nifty stat that proclaimed them having the easiest schedule of the final four weeks, the Minneapolis Pale Horses rode in hooves a-thumpin’ and posted the fourth highest point total of the season on the downtrodden Javs, confirming that all statistics are damn lies. While the Minneapolans held up their part of the deal, Gilead Gunslingers didn’t fare as well. The Maryland Mad Bombers brought bombs to a gunfight and became the first parent to defeat their offspring this season with a 105-74 explosion. One more Hatfield team brought home a win – The Heisenbergs who fittingly stayed undefeated in Movember, using their toothbrush mustache to brush aside Pacific Mighty “O”.

Clash of the titans left the Queen Bees buzzing back to the hive as Everybody Salsa danced through another Hatfield opponent, raising their league-leading record to 8-1-1. Hot on their heels in the McCoy conference, Team Shirritt moved to 7-2 as they overcame a Linemen Shuffles crew scarred by bye weeks, losing their second game in a row. Team Marksmen were able to dial in their aim on The Hank Schraders as they sniped their third victory of the season led by a scary 25pt showing by the Rams D/ST. The Jalopy Faces added a fourth win for the McCoys in week 10 by roughing up Kibbles n Vick who spent most of the weekend trying to find a single player on their team willing to show some effort.

For anyone in the league who happened to notice that both Team Marksmen and Pacific Mighty “O” started injured players this week (Foster and McFadden respectively), fear not, this did not go unnoticed by Management. Nor did it go unnoticed by a certain Minneapolis Pale Horse wide receiver. CLICK HERE for a public service announcement from Minneapolis stand out, Golden Tate. Pale Horses jacket and 2013/2014 calendar can be purchased in the Minneapolis Pale Horses gift shop.
And the awards go to…
The WRKM Axe: How about this – Management will let you know when this even gets CLOSE to changing hands
Syrup of Ipecac: Same for this one
Hello Kitty Sticker: The Jalopy Faces were found gnawing on the Keep Calm Banner this weekend
10th Man Award: The Hank Schraders getting -3 from their QB is nothing compared to the 22pts left on their bench with Pierre Thomas – their hate for the French cost them the game and a +.500 record through ten weeks
Keep Calm Banner: It’s My Life by Bon Jovi, I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor, Don’t Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin…there’s a whole Pandora station for Kibbles n Vick

Damn Lies
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli
• Team Marksmen (3-7) and Maryland Mad Bombers (2-7) always win or lose together, meaning, for weeks 5, 6, and 10 they are a combined 5-0; all other weeks combined? 0-14
• With their season-high 105pts, Maryland Mad Bombers finally cleared the century mark, the final team to do so this season
• Through three weeks of cross-conference play, the McCoys lead 12-9 in the win column, and average 81pts/week to the Hatfields’ 79pts/week…the Hatfields still deliver the worst beatings by averaging a 27.6pt margin of victory over the McCoys’ 24.5pts per win.

Next Week
“It’s the final countdown!” – Europe
The sprint to the finish is on as the league only has 3 weeks left until the playoffs. With week 10’s action, only The Heisenbergs would claim one of the top four playoffs spots coming out of the Hatfield conference, leaving the rest to McCoys. The Pale Horses can shake that up by defeating their second parent in as many weeks as they face Tucson Dusty Dogs next week. Queen Bees look to keep in the hunt against a weary Gilead Gunslingers, as do Linemen Shuffles against the Javs. Kibbles n Vick look to play spoiler as they welcome a strong and steady Team Shirritt to town. Maryland Mad Bombers hope to continue their offspring assault against The Jalopy Faces while Pacific Mighty “O” and The Hank Schraders battle for “I Don’t Have a Losing Record” rights. Game to watch: The Heisenbergs (7-2) take on Everybody Salsa (8-1-1) aiming to prove in this conference leader showdown that they cook up something with a little more punch than everyone’s favorite cerveza-paired appetizer.

Sincerely – Management

Counter Punch

Counter Punch
“Revenge is a kind of wild justice.” – Francis Bacon
As is with most good feuds, neither side will backpedal for long. So goes the case of the McCoys who, after getting the hatchet job by a margin of four games to three in the first week of cross-conference play (on their home turf no less), raced into Hatfield territory with a chip on their shoulder. Team Shirritt was finally let out of their cage and saw minimal resistance at best as they claimed their sixth victory and branded the Pale Horses a .500 team. Tucson Dusty Dogs phoned in the bare minimum by beating The Hank Schraders 71-70, mocking the Hatfield team with three scoreless players and a -7 showing by their defense. The Jalopy Faces ripped off their first triple digit score of the season by dragging Linemen Shuffles to 5-3 with a 114-103 win. Kibbles n Vick, still reeling from their Kubrick-directed defeat in week 8, found themselves victim of another Stephen King inspired attack, this time from Gilead Gunslingers who earned a long-awaited second victory of the season. Everybody Salsa kept a step ahead of the league by moving to 7-1-1 leaving the Mad Bombers even more furious with their league worst 1-7 record.

While the weekend’s scuffles did leave the Hatfields worse for wear, two teams did emerge with victories. The Heisenbergs snuck one past Team Marksmen who found their gun jamming late when Arian Foster was knocked out of the game needing only 4pts to assure a victory. Queen Bees continued to swarm as they routed Pacific Mighty “O” moving their average margin of victory over McCoy opponents to a welt-inducing 47pts.
And the awards go to…
The WRKM Axe: Everybody Salsa is a few weeks from naming rights for this FBF scoring award
Syrup of Ipecac: Nine weeks in, still puking over the same week 1 score from Everybody Salsa
Hello Kitty Sticker: Team Shirritt’s 96pts was an unnecessary show of force with the limping Pale Horses’ 55pts
10th Man Award: Two teams left 21pts on their bench this week – Kibbles n Vick who could have used WR Dobson to lead them to victory and Pacific Mighty “O” whose waiver pick up of Nick Foles only led to pain as the QB’s second highest point total for a single player in a game (45pts) was left on the bench
Keep Calm Banner: A few more weeks of possessing the banner and Kibbles n Vick may need an Enya album and a Tony Robbins video

Damn Lies
“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli
Instead of beating the drum about Mighty “O” leaving Foles on the bench or spewing facts about the past four victories for Dusty Dogs coming from either a 1pt win (two games) or earning the Hello Kitty Sticker (two different games!) as they ran rampant on the smackboards, here’s a visual:

Next Week
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!?” – Bluto Blutarsky
Two weeks of inter-conference play have already gone by and there is only four weeks left of regular season play. While some teams are already checking how the playoff system works, others are emailing Management asking why we haven’t begun a fantasy curling league. BUT, it should be noted that no one is statistically out of the running for the top four playoff spots. The strength of remaining schedules above shows that for some it may be a blustery November, but for others it is their time to rally. What is your team going to do? Check the week 10 match-ups – looks like a week to rally. Games to watch: two Father v. Son showdowns with the fathers hoping to break the trends – no father or mother has defeated a son or daughter (in-law or otherwise) yet this season. And one of the season’s marquee games has Queen Bees looking to shake up the picnic by ruining the Salsa in a match-up that has the two toughest remaining schedules squaring off against each other.

Sincerely – Management