What Could Have Been

What Could Have Been

“You can tell it any way you want but that’s the way it is.” – from No Country for Old Men

After some digging, the FBF’s intern Sherlock would like to clarify for the league that contrary to the rules challenge posed by Mark it Zero’s front office, yes, kickers are indeed allowed to be the leading scorer of a team. It is understandable though, such frustration, considering that if Mark it Zero has started the Bears defense (12pts) over the Texans defense (-1pts), they would have won and moved to 2-1. But let’s be honest – they are not the only organization that stumbled out of Week 3 action fantasizing about what could have been. While Maryland Mad Bombers were happy to wipe the ground with the Pale Horses, the sting of what could have been still lingers when you consider that if they had started the ‘Skins QB Cousins over Russell Wilson they would be owner of the Federation’s single game high score record for 2014. McCringleberrys had their own defense choice regrets since if they had started no defense at all they would have remained undefeated with a one point victory over the Bill-eavers. Queen Bees were shown no brotherly love from Obamacares as they only had two players on their team score more than 5 points, leaving them to ponder what could have been if they had drafted a completely different team. The Tucson Javelinas were left wondering what could have been if they were allowed to start every single player on their team against Team Shirritt. Intern Sherlock poured over the rule books to discover that such a tactic is not allowed, but also ran some numbers and would like to point out that it wouldn’t have led the Javs to a victory anyway. While Team Shirritt picked up where they left off last year, now the FBF’s lone undefeated team, their Black Sheep Battle foe I Miss Peyton has fallen on hard times dropping to 0-3 against Team Marksmen, evening the mother-in-law v. daughter-in-law history of The FBF to 1-1 with Week 3’s outcome. Tucson Dusty Dogs became another team to start the season 0-3 as Shaolin Killer Bees became the first nephew to ever defeat his aunt in FBF history (1-3). But the Killer Bees were the only bright spot for nephews this weekend as two other teams lost to their uncles in Week 3. In addition to the Pale Horses falling to the Mad Bombers, The Jalopy Faces were finally handed a loss as Pacific Mighty “O” confirmed the intern Sherlock’s prediction of victory in their 75-63 victory.

 

And the awards go to…

Syrup of Ipecac: Team Shirritt tosses one point on the league high with their 118 this week, looks like the lunch is on its way back up          

Hello Kitty Sticker: Obamacares takes the win against Queen Bees 36pts which surely is the lowest score in FBF history…oh wait, someone scored 35 in Week 10 last season, wonder who that was…

10^th Man Award: Team Marksmen got the win this week but could have thrown 16 more points onto the pile by starting either Desean Jackson or Jordan Matthews in their flex spot

 

Damn Lies

“There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli

• Maryland Mad Bombers tied the season high single game scoring record of 117 just in time for it to fall to Team Shirritt’s 118 this week
• Federation newbie Bill-eavers were 40 point underdogs this week but defied the odds with a 80-79 win
• Mega Stat: Of the losing teams in Week 3, two could have won with just one different starter while of the other six losers, one couldn’t have fielded a team that won with any starting combination, and five couldn’t have won if they were allowed to start their entire roster

 

Next Week

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.” – Helen Keller

Maybe a little blind optimism is exactly what this league needs. Check that, a little blind optimism is exactly what this league needs because the entire league is a pure crap shoot at this point. Through three weeks the streaks run the whole gamut – won 3, won 2, won 1, lost 1, lost 2, lost 3. History proves that this dictates nothing considering that The FBF saw teams go anywhere from 8-1 to 0-9 in the final three quarters of the season last year. So, spare not…or spare. Spare, spare, spare.

 

Sherlock’s Deduction (2-1)

“I never guess. It is a shocking habit.” – Sherlock Holmes

The intern Sherlock is back on track with their Week 3 correct pick of Pacific Mighty “O”. Given that the home team has won every match-up presented to Sherlock, The FBF’s faithful intern is going with the trend in his Week 4 challenge, picking Tucson Javelinas to defeat I Miss Peyton.

 

Sincerely – Management

Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’?

Can’t You Hear Me Knockin’?

“What’s in a name?”– William Shakespeare

Week 2 for The FBF was a mixed bag of emotions across The Federation. The Jalopy Faces dialed in their second win to move to 2-0 over the 2013 Black Sheep champs, now 0-2 and remonikered, I Miss Peyton. The in-house mockery must be palpable the current owner of the services of one Mr. Peyton Manning who fell to 0-2 in their match-up against the Pale Horses this week, proving that for everything it claims it can do, Obamacares still has no answer for death. Speaking of death, the Tucson Javelinas welcomed it this week as they took down the Tucson Dusty Dogs for the second year in a row. In more familial scraps, Queen Bees were victorious in the Federation’s first ever daughter v. father battle taking down newcomer Bill-eavers. Mark it Zero were not as successful against their parental unit falling to the Mad Bombers who delivered Week 2’s high 107 points. Hingle McCringleberrys had a repeat performance of sibling dominance in their victory over Orange Is The New Sack, while Pacific Mighty “O” was dealt payback from the 36 Chambers for 2013 as Shaolin Killer Bees held on for an 85-83 victory. To round out the week, Team Shirritt moved to 2-0 as Team Marksmen left their ammo at home leaving Week 2’s high scorer Antonio Gates on their bench.

 

 

And the awards go to…

Syrup of Ipecac: Pacific Mighty “O” maintains for another week but was caught drinking his trophy after he was edged out by the Killer Bees

Hello Kitty Sticker: Team Shirritt for kicking the gates in of Team Marksmen

10^th Man Award: Team Marksmen who shorted themselves 25 points when TE Antonio Gates’ 27 points were left on the bench

 

Damn Lies

 “There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli

• Three teams also finished Week 2 of the 2013 season 2-0…two finish 6-6 while the other won the whole…damn…thing
• Don’t get too down on yourself if your team is not favored – underdogs are 7-9 through two weeks
• This week only two first round draft picks were top ten in scoring – Aaron Rodgers and Jimmy Graham

 

Next Week

“Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.” – Lily Tomlin

Things could get a lot better and things could get a lot worse, it all depends on who you ask. Case in point – all three undefeated team, McCringleberrys, Jalopy Faces, and Team Shirritt could move to 3-0 while all three winless teams, Obamacares, I Miss Peyton, and Tucson Dusty Dogs could slip to 0-3. Watch for some questionable personnel changes for the Dusty Dogs this week. With runningbacks Ray Rice, and now Jonathan Dwyer, being dropped from their teams the Tucson organization is in talks with Ike Turner and Mike Tyson to fill the gaps in their ground game.

 

Sherlock’s Deduction (1-1)

“I never guess. It is a shocking habit.” – Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock has had his graphics revoked until he shows better picking abilities. This challenge this week is between undefeated Jalopy Faces and Pacific Mighty “O”. Going against the odds and history, Sherlock picks Pacific Mighty “O” to take the Week 3 win.

Sincerely – Management

Show Me the Victory

Show Me the Victory

“You had me at hello…”– from Jerry Maguire

…Kitty. Orange is the New Sack collected four of their nine wins last year while simultaneously slapping a Hello Kitty stick on their helmets and this season looks to be no different as another opponent, this time the Queen Bees, completely fell apart when squaring off against Orange tallying a Week 1 low 44 points. Orange is the New Sack couldn’t have beaten anyone else and they seem just fine with that. Sherlock is still running some numbers but what appeared to be a tie in the late night hours shook out in Team Marksmen’s favor as they gunned down the Dusty Dogs 94-92. Shaolin Killer Bees made it a close one in their first ever FBF scrap with The Jalopy Faces but fell 88-83. Three teams posted triple digits with Mark It Zero, McCringleberrys, and Pacific Mighty “O”, all having repeat performances from last year’s victories over the Pale Horses, MAD BOMBERS, and JAVELINAS respectively. The Bill-eavers may be asked to be leaving by The FBF, or at least their son, whom they roughed up 95-83 to take the W in their first ever league game. And how could we forget the Black Sheep Battle rematch of Hashtag RGIIIforPRES versus Team Shirritt, with this time the scales tipping towards Team Shirritt as they maintained their regular season dominance over RGIIIforPRES and, more importantly, allowing the intern Sherlock to take a step towards being retained as he successfully picked the victor in his Week 1 Deduction.

 

And the awards go to…

Syrup of Ipecac: Pacific Mighty “O” – mother of all things holy it isn’t the owner of RGIIIforPRES this time! It makes the dry-heaves a little more tolerable, for the time being.

Hello Kitty Sticker: Orange Is The New Sack – ever make fun of college teams who hand helmet stickers to guys who put their jerseys on correctly? That’s how we feel about you.

10^th Man Award: Obamacares – for leaving Knowshon Moreno on their bench which cost them 17 points and, wait for it…the win.

 

Damn Lies

 “There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli

• After sons dominated fathers 3-1 in the 2013 season, newcomer Bill-eavers brought the original cool guys within one of evening the score
• The 100 point mark is a safe bet for victory: Week 1 saw teams that scored 100 points or more going 3-0, keeping with the strong showing of 33-3 in 2013 for teams that hit triple digits
• 2013 had the McCoy Division showing a stronger stable of teams – in Week 1 McCoy teams averaged 86.1 points whereas Hatfield teams averaged just 81.1 points

 

Next Week

“There is no harm in repeating a good thing.” – Plato

The 2014 season gets down to business with some grudge matches. The Old Pueblo hosts this season’s first hubby v. wifey game with the Dusty Dogs seeking payback for the Javs dealing them one of their only three losses of 2013. The Bill-eavers go for the kin combo when they visit the Queen Bees. Sister fight breaks out between McCringleberrys and Orange Is The New Sack where the McCringleberrys are expected to score their season low. Brothers-in-law Obamacares and Pale Horses duke it out in search of their first win of the season, but may just go grab a beer somewhere instead. The tango of two teams – Shirritt and Marksmen – will assure one of them doesn’t have a perfect season. The Jalopy Faces look to stay undefeated and take out family Black Sheep RGIIIforPRES while Pacific Mighty “O” seeks to retain their might by going 2-0 and repeating their 2013 victorious Week 2 against Shaolin Killer Bees.

 

Sherlock’s Deduction (1-0)

“I never guess. It is a shocking habit.” – Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock was feeling good about his Week 1 success – this week when given his newest pick he went with Mark it Zero, then promptly asked me to mix him a Caucasian.

Sincerely – Management

This Is For 2013

This Is For 2013

“Surely I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you…” – Khan Noonien Singh

If you’ve been marking the days to the 2014 season like a madman notching the walls of his cell, then you’re in good company and the wait is over. The season kicks off Thursday, as in less than 48 hours from now Thursday, so get to setting those line-ups. Depending on how your team faired in 2013 your motives this season will surely vary. Maybe you’re looking to prove last year was a fluke, or you might be looking to resolve some unfinished business, or perhaps you’re here to defend your crown. Whatever your story may be, the stakes are higher this year because we all share that cattle-prod motivator called “history”. History so palpable that it has led some team owners to change the very name of their team. Some changed their name to whitewash their 2013 season (looking at you Mark It Zero and Obamacares CJ), some because their 2013 pop culture references are outdated (Schrader? Heisenberg?…I don’t get it), and some because…they won The Black Sheep? Confusion ensues. Thankfully, due to an updated league org chart and the hiring of an intern, Management will not let past transgressions or future missteps go unnoticed. But remember, we’re all one big family…until you split us into Hatfields or McCoys…aw who are we kidding, by Week 2 it is every team for themselves.

 

Oh and we almost forgot – we have a new team, The Bill-eavers. The Family Battle Federation thanks you for taking care of that pesky bye week and we all look forward to the W we all assume we’ll be getting when we play you.

 

And the awards go to…

…back off you heathens, no one’s even played yet. Cripes.

 

Damn Lies

 “There are three types of lies — lies, damn lies, and statistics.” – Benjamin Disraeli

• Week 1 on the 2013 season was the highest scoring week of the entire year included a blistering 151 from Everybody Salsa aka Hashtag RGIIIforPRES, landing them the Syrup of Ipecac Trophy for the entire season
• Last season it took one team until Week 6 to win their first game, so fair warning, for all you losers this weekend, it may not get better until mid-October
• There are two first-time match-ups in Week 1: Shaolin Killer Bees have a brother battle against The Jalopy Faces, and the father v. son showdown between Obamacares and newcomer Bill-eavers

 

Next Week

“There are two times of year for me: Football season, and waiting for football season.” – Darius Rucker

Dominance is on the to-do list for Mark it Zero, McCringleberrys, Orange Is The New Sack, Pacific Mighty “O”, and Tucson Dusty Dogs, all whom defeated their Week 1 opponents in their 2013 meetings. The wild card is the big one between Team Shirritt and reigning FBF champs, owners of the 2013 Black Sheep – RGIIIforPRES. With these two being 1-1 against each other (Team Shirritt handed RGIIIforPRES their first loss in Week 7 last season) this replay of The Black Sheep Battle is sure to be an instant classic. For them at least, I’m sure the rest of us couldn’t care less.

 

Sherlock’s Deduction

“I never guess. It is a shocking habit.” – Sherlock Holmes

Over some pumpkin beers and pumpkin treats the other night our faithful intern Sherlock convinced me to give him a chance at doing more than just stats and corrections – so I introduce Sherlock’s Deduction where he will predict the victor of one game (Management’s choice) each week. And of course his ability will be tracked and will ultimately factor into whether his internship is considered a success. So, without further ado, Sherlock’s Deduction for Week 1:

Sincerely – Management